Tuesday, 21 October 2008

'Well I got mainly 'B's...'

Hello there

About 4 years after everyone else did it, I've decided to enter the world of 'blogging.' Not being at the forefront of modern developments isn't strange for me - here's a list of other things I was a late developer at:

- being naughty at school (didn't become cheeky to the teachers until about 17 years of age, classic dweeb behaviour)
- being sacked (surely everyone should get sacked from a Saturday job as a teenager, either for wearing a T-shirt with a swearword on it or telling a valuable customer to 'fucking fuck off, you oldie.' I didn't get sacked from a job until I was in my early twenties, and then it started happening all the time.)
- condiments. I don't think I included any salt or black pepper in my cooking until I was 22.

Anyway. It crossed my mind that some people may read this after seeing me do stand up, and these people may not necessarily be friends of mine. Thus, in the interests of maintaining a certain air of 'mystique' about myself as a performer, I thought it best to let you come to your own conclusions about what I'm really like. I've even provided you with a handy questionnaire to fill in:

'Elis James 101'

It's more than likely I'm doing this after a gig:

a) Banging a hot chick in a disabled toilet, urging the hot chick to scream catchphrases of mine as she reaches climax
b) Eating a Ginsters in a service station on the M6, whilst discussing the fuel economy of a Ford KA with the lad behind the counter
c) In silent prayer, thanking God for my talent

It's more than likely I'm doing this before a gig:

a) Banging a hot chick in a disabled toilet, urging the hot chick to scream catchphrases of mine as she reaches climax
b) Offering advice to a less experienced comedian, and using phrases such as 'hey - I don't know what 'it' is you need to succeed in this game my friend, but you've got 'it.' Now just go out there soldier, and show the good people of Torquay'
c) Writing 'GET A SAT NAV YOU FUCKING WANKER' on my hand and losing my temper at a pelican crossing

My childhood was:

a) Painful, and is the driving force behind my cutting edge, confessional comedy
b) Idyllic. Mainly just Enid Blyton, 'three and in' and shared birthday parties with my friend Rebecca
c) I remember absolutely nothing 1980-1994, due to an industrial accident that led to heads rolling at the top and changes in EU employment law

My teenage years were:

a) Mainly me banging hot chicks in a disabled toilet, as I got them to scream helpful phrases from
the GCSE Bitesize revision programmes at me
b) Consumed in the ennui of being a small town creative, trapped in an oppresive school system and surrounded by authority figures who were just TOO SMALL MINDED to nurture my delicate talents
c) Carmarthen Town Under 14s training, the odd bit of homework and waiting patiently until I was old enough to get served in pubs.

My Student years consisted of:

a) Hard drugs, throwing rocks at the police during protest marches I'd organised with my Spanish Socialist friend Raul, and discussing Marxist paradigms in a post industrial age until 5 in the morning
b) A departmental record breaking First Class Honours Degree, following 14 hours a day of revision for three years. Fuelled of course by 60 fags a day, 30 espressos and a pathological desire to learn
c) 17 hours sleep a night and a frightening amount of daytime television. This was punctuated by the odd piss up and walking aimlessly round Cardiff City Centre

The years I spent working at real jobs, before going full time as a comedian were:

a) Spent constructively. I approached the role of proletarian superman with nobility and enthusiasm, yet worked diligently at my sit-com during the night
b) largely spent emailing friends and taking too long for lunch
c) at Whitchurch Mental Hospital, having been sectioned after an 'incident' in the St Mary's Street branch of Office Angels

If I wasn't a comedian, I'd be a:

a) Right winger for Swansea City and Wales, powering almost single handed their twin ascent to
the top of the Premier League and the 2012 World Cup
b) In sales, hitting targets, hitting women, YEAH!
c) Living with mam and dad. Discussing the culture of public sector deadline setting in the 1980s with dad, and chatting to mam about how expensive vending machines are in leisure centres. Especially the healthier soft drinks, such as Oasis and Mr Juicy

Anyway - if you answered these correctly you'll have all you need to know about me at your fingertips, so please get in touch if any questions are posing a particular problem. I shall also try to post a new entry in the next couple of days. Like most things I do however, there'll be an initial flurry of enthusiasm before the inevitable tailing off, which'll result in half-arsed attempts at writing something interesting as I watch Sky Sports News on mute. Hopefully of course it won't descend into this sort of thing:

'did gig at worcester uni - 6/10. new material = shit. cant find severn bridge receipt even tho i looked and looked abd looked and lost my temper with open spot for being a cock'

I'm better than that...

But you never know


deepmike said...

Hey, I am officially stalking you now!

Keep up the good work pal, and regards to the girl in the disabled bog.


mattw said...

Hi big Mike, I'm officially stalking you and I'm being stalked and my stalker is being stalked as are all theirs all the way up to an ultimate stalker who some would call god but others would call kevin richards and this being is massive. I don't mean massive in the sense of being really popular though he is. I mean in the sense of being really tall. You know I don't mean like just tall I mean big like about 56 galaxies across and obviously a lot more high and he's got to have something to stand on like i don't know a plinth and that's got to be pretty large and there's got to be workmen to put that in and not any old workmen. They're probably pretty big blokes even their city and guilds certificate would cover an entire sun and not a small sun no way one of those big fuck off supernova style suns.
and if he han't got a plinth, then he must have giant intersteller drive jet boots. big ones you know. there's probably some civilisation who just worship his jet boots and feet you know, probably big religious wars over whether you should worship the whole foot or just a big toe probabably zillions died in a big war over that in a galaxy far, far ,far i mean really far like i mean if you're an ant and you're trying to buy a grape in tescoe's but your tescoe's is in the phillipines and and by the time you get to the phillipines you've forgotten why you wanted to go to tesco's in the first place or you forgot your money because you left your wallet in your other pair of ant trousers and you go fuckityfuckfuckfuck but in ant language so as none of the bloody staff understand you anyway. Life in the universe is a bit like that.

Nia said...

I'm guessing mostly b)'s? Keep up the good work!